Rumors are swirling on campus about next year. Everyone seems to have something to say. The rumors mostly focus around massive impending changes to the school next year, which will undoubtedly have life-altering effects on the student population. Once again these are unconfirmed rumors, not meant to be taken as truth. Here are the top five:

NO MORE FREE TIME

So, we are no longer going to have free periods. Students just have far too much free time in a day as of now, and just walking through the Student Center, one can see why it’s such a problem. No one gets any work done whatsoever, and the longer free periods just leave too much time for students to destroy their own education by talking about ideas. But the new schedule has the problem covered.

Instead of those unrestrained free periods, next year you will have a couple of 20 minute breaks during the day. With passing time, you’ll have a whole 15 minutes to work on your own or talk to someone. With no wasted time talking, productivity will be tripled, or even quadrupled.

EAT YOUR LUNCH ALONE

Do you enjoy eating lunch with your friends? Is it enjoyable to sit and talk with all of your friends together? Well, you won’t be able to do that anymore either. The lunches are going to split to separate you from your friends. Friendships are being analyzed as we speak and there is already a list of friends and groups to split up. Undercover workers have been hired to watch friends and see which ones pose a direct threat to the scholarly atmosphere here.

Now, without any distractions around them, students will be isolated leaving them to be productive. If they finish eating in time, they may have a small window of time to sit out on the lake, reflecting on what they have done wrong. The school has been reviewing years of research on schoolchildren, and have come to the conclusion that cutting out the “enjoyable” or “relaxing” parts of the student’s day leads to better results.

GET YOUR JUMPSUIT READY

This next one is fairly new, but it has been heard a few times. There will be a new dress code to help with both uniformity and security. 

New blue, ODA branded jumpsuits will be required for all students to make sure that students don’t breach the code and that faculty can easily identify students. With many school security breaches nationwide, the school must take every precaution necessary. Students will be safer and no longer have to be distracted by their friends crazy dress at school, and will be able to resume their learning as they should.

NO MORE TALKING…UNLESS YOU’RE THE TEACHER

We do attend a college prep school, so a lot that will change to replicate the intense, competitive environment that students will face in college. To accommodate this, the school is moving to have all classes be eighty minute long lectures. Now, you will be able to cover twice as much material in one day as before. Also, homework will be doubled to fit the increased load.

The general opinion of the school is that students’ questions during class waste too much time, time in which students could be furiously noting more material from the “sage on the stage,” the teacher. Therefore, students will be forbidden from asking questions or interrupting in any way. The new schedule system promises to be fabulous learning enhancement.

FOOTBALL? NOT HERE. 

This one applies not to next year, but the year after. There won’t be any football that year, and for an undefined period of time afterwards. The change is reportedly coming after our school’s incredibly unruly fan section had gotten into mass fights in the bleachers with opposing fans.

The games are just too much of a liability for the school at this point, and they are trying to pull the plug on the program as soon as possible.

Not all is lost though, football will be replaced with a new men’s volleyball team. The pep band will now be in the gym for games, and football players will find a passion for volleyball. Men’s volleyball is said to be much more exciting, not to mention safer, than football for everyone.

As the new year closes in, teachers are readying for these obviously immense changes. You can see it in their faces. Despite the fact that the school has confirmed nothing yet, some of us may want to begin planning what jumpsuit to buy for next year.

Stay tuned.